Please do visit us on our new platform as this website will close down in the New Year!
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Please do visit us on our new platform as this website will close down in the New Year!
We look forward to seeing you at WWW.SINGLESMARTCHICKS.COM
Well where do I start?
Twenty days ago, I got very inspired by my work colleague who voluntarily offered to introduce his successful and single friend. I went ahead and created a timeline in keen anticipation of probable possibilities, as you all know by now. Well if only wishes were horses as they say!
I got let down by this colleague. Because he never came through as expected!
Taking matters into my own hands (and no I haven’t crossed out to the psycho camp to start stalking folks), I did what I always do, go out with the girls for a drink. Sadly that was a huge disappointment too!
One of my major turn offs as you would have guessed by now, are guys who talk about their material possessions and / or those who get their identities from their jobs! Yeah you’re employee number XXXXX and you think it’s cool to gloat about that?!!; Please!! It’s really funny because the real McCoys don’t even want you to know what they do for a living! The real ones exude an unspoken vibe that makes them so attractive you just wanna be around them! And that’s what I want to hook into! Not the blubbers!
So it was just my luck that I got talking to this guy at the bar who seemed nice at first – he was all jolly at the beginning and I must say the conversation was going really well.. until he opened his mouth and blurted out about how difficult things could be around the B Square and how he just finished a deal which would directly put him in the good graces of his boss! Oh please give me a break! Thing is, if you’re hanging around the BSquare around happy hour, chances are that you work in the area and secondly, if you’re hanging out in the place that we’re hanging out at you really don’t have to mention status.. just slip your card and let the chick marinate on your status!
Well, it’s just my good luck that it’s always the wrong ones who come my way!
So now, it’s 66 days to year-end and the outlook is still a bit gloomy like the forthcoming London storm! So gloomy!
At the very least I’m not sweating about whether I’ll get that mistletoe smooch in the end. As you know, ‘Hopeful’ is my middle name!
Staying focused as always
But who’s counting eh?
I am still recovering from the rather daunting conversation and screams of Where is Your Man, Woman?!! from my well-meaning friend – yes the very same one who gladly proclaimed with no inhibitions whatsoever that I am a closed up so and so! (see The Single Lady and Her Vibes).
As confrontational as the situation was, it is suddenly dawning on me that I have eighty – six days to sort this situation out! It is eighty-six days until New Year’s Eve and this time, I intend to spend it in a very special way!
So let’s see what could happen in the next eighty-six days:
81 days to New Year’s Eve:
A well-meaning work colleague follows through his promise and introduces his single friend who apparently ticks all the boxes (according to the description so far)
76 days to New Year’s Eve
The single guy turns out to be a real chum and gets in touch but as I am away on business that week, we arrange a date the week after
66 days to New Year’s Eve
Singe guy appears to be very nice, date goes well, we have common interests, it’s all ‘love at first sight’ phew! Is there anything as Love at First Sight these days? – Charlotte Bronte, sister girl, help me out
61 days to New Year’s Eve
Second date happens. This is a low-key and relaxing date, mingled with laughter. There is a strong connection between us and I apply most of the techniques that we’ve talked about on this blog. Most importantly I check (and keep on checking) that I appear open, free and sensible!
50 days to New Year’s Eve
Most likely to be on the second date moving onto the third date by now. I have to pace myself without having any intention of playing games!! I hope to like him, he hopes to like me, but to the best of our interests, as our mom’s used to say at the dinner table, ’eat your meal slowly’ - in other words, I will be taking my time to enjoy the process.
40 days to New Year’s Eve
By now a friendship is ensuing and we’re both comfortable about remaining in touch in between dates!. I’m learning and enjoying the ride but most importantly I keep reminding myself that I am developing and establishing a personal relationship with hopeful the guy I would like for the long-term, not working on a project! By now we’ve probably been on a few more dates and of course had a few naughty snogs! Common it’s been 46 days already, that’s a month and a half!
30 days to New Year’s Eve
So this would be New Years’ Eve month, the month of December. I hope that we’re close friends at this stage. Close enough to know that we want to take things to the next level, and close enough to want to say the magic three-letter word – ‘I love u’! The single guy is now turning to Mr Boyfriend. He, as smart as he is, is planning a nice City break for after the holidays. It’s nice, everything feels nice! I on the other hand, make plans for the great getaway!
New Year’s Eve
Well wishes are not horses, so I’m leaning on the positive energy and experience to make this all come true!
You can just imagine my surprise when a good friend of mine, who I thought knows me very well, told me that I am too guarded after a few bottles wine! He proceeded in his blunt revelation that he thought that I was too damn hard to read!
I of course was very very shocked to the core as I’ve always thought within myself that I make my intentions very clear to guys that I like! But then, as it turns out, I am not doing enough. My very dear friend explained that I am very crystal clear as a business person, but on the personal front, my underlying vibe is all mixed up with very confusing signals! It turns out that guys don’t really get to know whether I’m romantically interested in them or I just want to be friends. (thankfully he doesn’t have a problem in establishing which side he’s one as he’s a happily married guy). Now that hit me very hard because I thought I couldn’t be any more crystal clear than I already am on the dating scene. Apparently I could do more!!
The harsh reality though is that in trying to be careful about my choices that I make when it comes to men and dating, I think I have managed to appear too shielded, guarded and by so doing, I come across as someone who plays too hard to get!!
In my bemoaning state, I tried to seek solace in further evidence that will support my current thoughts on wise and careful dating and came across a recent research by Dia, Dong and Jia (May 2013) which was published for the Journal of Experimental Psychology. As it turns out, playing hard to get have its pros and cons.
By default, playing hard to get to guys who may be interested but are yet to voice their intentions gives off a sense of uncertainty and dare I say, a sense of mild hostility Now that’s very scary for many guys purely because they think that they will be rejected if they dare to ask for a date! Frankly who likes to hear a big resounding NO?!
But then and again, men also like to do some chasing and as the evidence shows, they like their women to play hard to get. The trick though is that he needs to be allowed to show that initial interest, be able to feel confident enough to approach and ask for a date first off before the lady starts playing hard to get! And we’ve always thought women are the confused ones! Ha!!
So I guess, all in all, this is all but a balancing act!! As it turns out, we single chicas have to be inviting and yet mysterious, approachable and yet have a sense of purpose around us, play hard to get but not because we like to play games, but because it’s part of the whole dance!
After all , it’s all down to the vibe!!
A lot of folks think Ms Patti Stanger and I are crazy when we think we can aim for the ring within a year. But here’s another proof from our books of people that we admire - Kerry Washington! The Scandal Star!
OK so here are a few things I picked up from what I see from Ms Kerry’s road from single accomplished to a married gem.
- It can all be done in a year
When I share with folks (the ones with guys, married or single), they think I’m a bit barmy that I think I will meet a guy this year and plan my wedding the next! But hold on, I personally know a few ladies who did just that and bingo here’s another example. Truth be told in my 20s when I was still figuring out who Mandy is and what she would like to do I wouldn’t have dreamed about doing the full circle in a year! It was way out of the question. Fast forward into my 30something year, I’ve done most of the things that I wanted to do although it’s fair to say I still have a few to chase and I feel ready to do this now! And that’s a whole lot better than taking a chance in my 20s.
- You can be 35+ and still get married
Well, what can I say to that? In today’s world, being in your 30′s and still single can be challenge. Instead of being celebrated for who you are and being celebrated for your hard work, you end up becoming a case study for your so called happily married friends, family and these days your colleagues. Then you start stressing that there is indeed something wrong with you! Wait! Really?! Girl there’s nothing wrong with you being 30 or 35+, single and still looking for your guy! On the bright side, you probably do know yourself better now that you’re a bit older! So relax!
- You can be very accomplished and still get married!
Ms Kerry is such an inspiration. She’s doing her own thing, got her career sorted out and she still did it! As far as taking good leaves out of other people’s good books, you, girlfriend, can have both worlds – your career could be all sorted out, alongside a super fabulous love life that could lead to the marriage that you want.
- There really is nothing wrong in dating a younger guy
Assuming he’s matured in the head, as I see Ms Kerry’s beau is!
- Keep schtum
Unless you write the Single Girl’s Guide to Dating :). But seriously, sometimes we talk too much! Word! With things like this, girl hmmm… keep it really below the radar! When you’ve really sorted out the nitty gritty stuff and maybe ready to set into your monogamous stage with a rock and a date in tow, then you can shout about it! We all need to learn to keep certain things on a ’need to know’ basis
So thanks Kerry, you’ve shown us that it can all be done within a year!
So many questions go through your mind – will I be accepted or rejected? and how would I react if I am rejected? Am I making a fool out of myself? And what would the other party think of me from then on? So many questions run through our minds in these situations and it’s human isn’t it, but we can’t let the negatives and the fears of what could be hold us in our paths of glory now, could we?
Thankfully I found a way to cope with the flip slide of vulnerable! And nowadays, I tell myself that
‘ it just wasn’t meant to be’!
It’s so refreshing to look at the situation this way, isn’t it? Which is why I wasn’t so scared to express how I felt to the mutual friend who introduced me to this Cutie from last week. Heck I’m a girl on a mission to get that rock by next year so it’s important for me to process and express these thoughts and feelings freely. As wise as he is, our mutual friend agreed to find out how Mr Cutie felt about me, which was very nice of him.. But as it has been a week now and I have received any news, not even tinkle on my iPhone, I can only assume at this point that Mr Cutie has been traumatized (hopefully not hospitalised) by the silliness of our first introduction or he’s just not interested! It’s just what it is!
The flip side of vulnerable left me deflated, as it would for anybody but only for a short while. Let’s face it, how I choose to play next card really depends on me. I can choose to replay the “could have beens” or I can look forward to my next date.
You know which one I’ll go for..
It would probably be the secrets of the gods but I wonder, why do women act shy (in the better sense of the word) when we meet a guy that we could end up liking? It’s confusing, because it happens even when you have your game on in full confidence! I’m wonder however if there is a switch in us that lights up a ‘shy & silly’ gene in when we suddenly realise that this could be The One! It’s a real mystery and I guess it will remain so to us mortals here on earth.
To put things into perspective, in my well-known quest to find love, I was recently introduced to a cutie who on the surface fits all that I would want to have in guy. He’s got real potential, in my eyes. Our encounter was arranged by a rather senior mutual friend who swears by his holy socks that he didn’t plan the whole set up, but deep down, I’m glad that he did. If you remember from my most recent post, You Wonna Know How to be Irresistible ?, guys say that they feel more comfortable meeting ladies in person and it’s even better if there’s a mutual connection. We were both on a smooth conversation path until our rather senior friend revealed to us individually his agenda, and I tell you, this is where things got really interesting, because you see, before he revealed his secret agenda, I was doing fine with this cutie. I was chatting away, quipping in jokes and was very carefree in my style. I mean, we both were enjoying ourselves. But then, the moment he revealed his intentions to us (in turns), my brain turned flabby jelly! Words suddenly failed to add up into full sentences and sentences failed to make sense! I mean I was talking but there was no ‘juice’ in the conversation whatsoever! My mind was completely filled with how fine this guy is and the what if’s! Don’t ask why I even went there!
The surprising thing though is that he was equally nervous! He was worse than I was, so bad that the poor chap thinks that I don’t want to see him again!! but I do want to, if only I could remember his name
I think I would like him so I’m going to find a way to reconnect with him and make him feel safe enough to ask me out. In the meantime, if the ‘gods’ end up explaining why we act silly when we meet someone we could really end up liking and dare I say prematurely, fall in love with, then please do let me and the girls know!
Wish me luck…
Sometimes it’s hard to know the truth or to be told the truth, but you know, there’s so much freedom in knowing what the real deal is. Which is why I buy into The Great Men Survey.
There are a couple of ways that we single chicas can choose to look at what these guys are saying; the easiest way of course is to loathe the findings and discard it. The other way is to treat this insight like you would do with any strategy that you have ever built up in your life – know the facts and develop a plan around it to achieve your goal. Hopefully that goal is to find your one and only! So these are my top four takeaways from the survey.
- nurturing is sexy!
The softer you appear, the better. It doesn’t mean being weaker or silly but nurturing him and caring for who he is, really makes you more appealing. That is not to say that he as a single guy is looking for a new mother but it appears that showing that you care for his wellbeing reassures him that you’ve really got his back.
- help him see you as marriage material
As it turns out, great men, men who mean business, do actually want to get married. Marriage is a ladies thing as much as it is a guys. Just as we like to play house, they also want to find their own patch, protect it and see it sprout into a healthy strong ‘village’. So what does this mean? You have to help him see that you’re wife material, because he’ll go through heaven and earth to get your attention and date you if he sees that in you. If he’s not pressing as he should be, I will say that he’s either not part of the 65% of men in the UK or 76% of men in the US or 75% in Australia who are out there looking for a wifee! But saying I also feel that I have to add this little word of caution, help him see you as wife material but don’t play wife or house until he puts a ring on it!
- loyalty is golden
When you’ve been through so many turns and bends in life as far as dating/relationships go, you may start feeling that loyalty is not worth the paper that its written on. And it’s normal to feel so. But if you think that he truly is the one, then help him to see you will roll with him like Bonny did with Clyde, well, in a good sense but you know what I mean?
- pay attention
Last but not the least, we single girls have a higher chance of meeting our one and only in real life situations than online! Despite my previous rave about using online dating platforms to select my possible possibilities, it turns out that most men (will second that and say men who mean business) will prefer the traditional way of meeting single chicas. In fact, a whopping 84% for guys in the UK would second that notion. For me, this means that single chicas have to be ‘date’ ready when pounding the pavements to work, riding the treadmill at the gym, picking up that dress in the shop or when walking down the long corridor onto the next meeting. It’s all about being on point all the time!
From Mandy with love